A Past Unseen

Monday came, but you know the deal, you want something and it doesn't come, or at least not quickly enough. It didn't.

I got home just after seven, looking forward to seeing the kids. I was jumped on the minute I got through the front door by a girl who was fast becoming a tomboy. "Well, hello there. Maybe I should stay away for a week next time?"

"Don't you dare," came the reply from Mary. I was getting one of those looks. You know the one that says, 'I'm the woman in this house, I wear the pants, I'm in charge.' And she meant it!

"Hi, Love. Do you actually think they'd let me?" I said with a grin. "Now, where's that son of ours?" I walked to the table where he was doing some reading and laid my hand on his shoulder.

"Hi, Dad," then he got up for a hug.

"Boy, you're getting heavy," I said, picking him up.

"Dad!!" The disgust was plain to see.

I ruffled his hair and picked up the coffee that Mary had put in front of me. Feeling a little left out, Tracy came over and wrapped her arms around my waist. "I love you, Dad."

Putting my coffee back on the table, I looked at her, "I want to live a little longer, so I love you too, Sweetheart." Trying not to smile, but failing miserably.

"I'm gonna get you, big time," she said.

"Oh! I'm really scared," which earned me a slap on the shoulder.

"Now, how can I not love someone who has the face of an angel?" That got me out of the mess, and it was true. I was gifted with near perfect, no perfect angels. "I love all you guys, and that includes your mom." Which got me out of another scrape, going by the looks I was getting from Mary. Smiling she gave me a reassuring look. I do get myself into some scrapes.

Turning back to face the kids, we both got squeezy hugs as they said, "We love you too. Heaps!!" And you could see that they meant it.

They'd had dinner before I came home. Mary prepared me a late meal while my coffee and I went into the living room where I could rest my weary bones. I set my coffee down and went to put on some music. Checking the CD player, there was a disc already in. I was just going to press play when the kids came wandering into the living room, so I asked the kids to join me. With both sitting on either side of me on the couch, I was asked with a look of disgust what I was listening to. "Music,!!!" I said. Hand to mouth and a snigger, they both started laughing.

"What you two call a tune is just noise, yet you call it music... Somebody screaming and shouting on stage and it's called singing..." I said, putting both hands over my ears. Mary came in with drinks for the kids and set them on the table. As she was walking back toward the kitchen she was shaking her head smiling. She stopped and looked around, staring at the kids. "I agree with your dad, your music sucks."

With coffee in hand, I started the CD to some not too quiet groans. I had forgotten about this CD. The start-up song was Nobody's Child. You know when a tune rips through every emotion you possess? Well this was one.

Alan was the first to take notice of what was being played. He leaned forward, listening intently.

"That song came to mind the first time I set eyes on you two." Both kids were as quiet as a mouse. "I really thought you needed someone you could get to know. Someone that was just for you... like a best friend. I know that when the stranger found out that you were blind it was upsetting, but it didn't stop me from coming by to see you guys? I always had a reason to come by the orphanage and see you guys. It was one less problem you had. All problems can hurt when you have no one to talk to about them."

Both kids had tears in their eyes. We sat there a long time before the silence was broken. "Why? Why did I have to be blind? What did I do wrong?"

"Oh, Son!! You did nothing wrong, believe me. Life can sometimes play a nasty trick or two and it hurts. We would gladly take the hurt if we could. You still have your memories, remember in here and here," laying my hand on his head and his heart. "I know you being able to see has been taken away, but I promise I will do all I can for you to get your sight back again. You have your sister. I know she loves you very much. And now you both have a mom and a dad, who care very deeply for you both." He laid his head on my shoulder. "You've lost your mom and dad, the good times you had with them. But those memories you have of them will stay with you forever. Now, you and Tracy are going to build some new ones. I know we can never replace your parents, but we can still be there for you. Being your mom and dad makes us very proud. We're going to be part of helping you make new memories. I promise you will never be alone. We won't be around forever, but we'll always be with you." I squeezed him hard to reinforce the point.

"We love you, Dad."

"We love you too, more than you'll ever know. I think you're mom could do with a hug right now." Unbeknown, Mary was listening to all that had been said with tears running freely down her face. The tears flowed, but there was a happiness deep within them. You sensed the joy would go on forever. The kids hugged their mom for all they were worth, which got even more tears of joy.

Thursday afternoon, as agreed, Jonathan Philips came for his appointment, or I should say Alan's appointment. Of course, I got the day off from work. Being the boss does have its privileges. As he came through the door, he was greeted by myself and Alan... after a little persuasion. "Nice to meet you finally," he said ruffling my son's hair... boy that sounded good. Then he got a look that I'm glad the good doctor didn't see.

After some pleasantries of drinks and biscuits, I asked Dr. Philips to use the living room. He asked if there was somewhere more private. I was about to suggest the study, but saw a look of pure fear and panic on Alan's face. "At present, the only privacy I can offer is the living room." A look of what can only be described as relief was on Alan's face. I sat in the dining room through the whole session. I couldn't hear what was being said, but that wasn't the intent. The intent was that my son knew he was not alone.

After their session, Alan ran to his room, slamming the door behind him. Jonathan spoke some about the session with Alan, then left. After he was gone, I shouted up for Alan to come downstairs. With no response, I went upstairs to see what was keeping him. As I looked in, he was lying face down, it seemed he was asleep. But looks can deceive.

I came downstairs and got a cup of tea then went to sit on the back porch. A few minutes later, Mary joined me outside where we sat, taking in the cool afternoon breeze. My thoughts went back to the reaction when the doctor first spoke. I had never in my entire life seen such unadulterated fear. I had to, as they say, bide my time and hope that the reaction was due to having to talk about his short past.

At work the next day, concentration was out the window, I couldn't get that look of panic out of my head. Whatever else happened today it was certain that I was going to be opening what looked like a can of worms.

As I opened the front door my little tomboy came flying at me like a bat out of hell. I was getting my usual greeting, I hoped I could survive them every day, I thought to myself with a grin.

The pouting look on my son's face was enough to turn the hardest hearts. Mary went over, gave him a hug, and told him he was finished for the day. That got a wisp of a smile, even Mary gave a look of concern.

Dinner was simple. Minced beef warmed in butter, pasta shells heated in boiling water for 10 minutes, add paprika and chilli to the mince, then serve with the pasta. I never asked what the meal was called, but it was surely delicious. A treat for the kids was milk shakes instead of pop. Me and my better half had cups of tea.

Tracy went to her room and Alan was about to follow when I asked if I could have a word with him. Confused, he joined me in the study. There are two, what I call, over-stuffed chairs in the study, with the desk and bookcases on the far wall. Its design is a little different, as the window into the study is at the side of the house, so the view is nothing great.

After we sat down, I asked as gently as I could about yesterday afternoon. Why he didn't want to be left alone with Dr. Philips. He leaned over, looking at the floor. There was a cold silence. Nothing was said for what seemed an eternity, then I saw tears hit the floor. I went over and put him on my lap. "What is it, Son??" Whatever was on his mind was hurting him. Hurting him so much that he had to cry.

"You love me, Dad, don't you? I mean, really love me??"

"What could I not love about you? Son, my life would be over if anything happened to you or your sister." Then silence again for what seemed another eternity.

"Please don't hate me." S-i-l-e-n-c-e. Then he just broke down and sobbed. His little heart was breaking, and now so was mine.

"Why would you think I'd hate you?"

He calmed his emotions and looked straight at me. "When you started talking to me, I was scared. People would talk to Tracy, but never me. I know people think I'm dumb and stupid and feel sorry for me, and after a while you start feeling that they're right. I just wanted to be treated like everyone else." There was another long silence. "Me and Tracy liked going to the park. We went there all the time. Just me and Tracy. We would walk round the lake, or sit under the trees."

"So that's how you knew which tree to sit under, you cheat."

He gave a forced smile. "The week before you came to the orphanage, Mrs. Walters took all the kids to the park after dinner. I never stayed with the other kids, it was always me alone, or with Tracy. Tracy sometimes needs time with the other kids. You know to play and mess around, so I was sitting under the tree by myself when someone took my hand. I asked who was there, but they just laughed. I know there was more than one. Thinking it was just the other kids playing around, I followed when they led me. We started going through some bushes, then someone yanked my arm and pushed me to the ground. I started to say something, but someone thumped me in the stomach and told me to be quiet. Someone put a hand over my mouth, then they started to take my pants down. When they had my pants down, they started to do things."

"Oh, God, no!!!" I just couldn't help it. He immediately looked up at me so scared.

"I knew you'd hate me." He fell to the floor in a foetal position and started sobbing.

Some sixth sense, I thought, made Tracy come running into the room and go straight to her brother. She started to pick Alan up off the floor when I told her as nice as possible to go ask mom to make supper. With a look that could turn you to stone, she got up and left, glaring and throwing daggers as she went.

I picked Alan up, put him on my knee and cradled him. I rocked him back and forth to try and soothe him. "Son, I don't hate you, I could never hate you." That seemed at least to calm him a little. "I know this is hard, but can you tell me what happened?" He looked so timid, it was heartbreaking when he looked up. His face had so many emotions that it was hard to understand them all. After he got his emotions under control, he tried to carry on, but he couldn't seem to get his voice to do what he wanted.

"My pee-pee felt funny, then he put something inside my bum." He was quiet for a long while. "When I started to struggle one of them hit me again... punched me in my stomach again. I tried to scream. I did, really. I started to kick and hit one of them. He swore at me and hit me again. A dog started barking and they let me go. I think they got scared." Now he was really crying. His little heart was breaking.

I sat there. Inside I was angry... bloody angry. I sat there holding him for a long time before he calmed down and was able to speak again. "Did you tell anyone? What did Mrs. Walters do?" I wondered why no one had told me what had happened to Alan.

He looked at me with shame written all over his face. "I couldn't tell anyone. No one." Then staring at the floor again, there was a ghostly silence. I didn't think it was the right time to ask why he didn't want to be alone with Dr. Philips as he seemed happy to go with Dr. Evans and Dr. Roland. He told me years later that he was never alone with either, as a nurse was always present.

"You have to listen to me, Son, you did nothing wrong. Nothing!!" He leaned on my shoulder and sobbed his little heart out. I rocked him in my arms until he drifted off to sleep. I carried him into the living room and laid him on the couch, putting a cushion under his head. I wanted to go out grab these scum-bags and bury them.

I walked into the kitchen to get a drink. As strong a drink that was available... coffee. Tracy was going to go to her brother, but I said to let him sleep. That again didn't go down well. "Tracy, there are times when you aren't going to be able to look after your brother, and this is one of those times. Tracy, that's one of the reasons we're here." She looked at me square in the eyes. Seemed to nod, then sat on my lap. I looked at Mary with a blank expression. How do you tell the people you care about that someone you love has been raped.

To Be Continued....

The Lyrics above are to the song: Nobody's Child. It was a top ten hit in 1969 for Karen Young. A UK based singer. The song has been done by countless artists over the years. This version is my personal favourite, the soft spoken tones says the voice of a mother.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bs9Lt1QEyLA&feature=related
In the US...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0DHCZJhP0Y

Putting the Lyrics as part of this chapter was pre-empted as a serious note.
A song with such beauty should be considered a song for all children, be there a disability or none. Blind, deaf, mute, abused, or forgotten .......

A hurting child should be heartfelt to get a response.