Whore's Bastard

I didn't know nothin' until our daddy was shakin' us, tellin' us it was time to get up and start for home. Home! We was goin' home. Me and Paco and our daddy was goin' to our home. It didn't take no tellin' us twice. We was up out of that bed, gettin' them cowboyin' clothes on and hurryin' so fast I wasn't payin' no attention. I got them buttons in the wrong holes and for some cause that got Paco to laughin'. I think it was really the excitement what got him to laughin' 'cause gettin' buttons in the wrong hole ain't that damn funny, but I thought that boy was gonna shake his insides out from laughin' so hard. When someone goes to laughin', ain't no way you can keep from it. If someone had come in that room, he'd a thought he got hisself into a crazy house. I didn't know why the hell I was laughin' and I don't know if Daddy did or not but he had water comin' out his eyes; he was laughin' so hard. My belly hurt before we finally got quit.

There was some breakfast on some little tables in Daddy's room. He didn't want to take no time to go to the Continental so he had the Continental send breakfast to us. There was eggs and steak and taders and Daddy's coffee smelled damn good. I been drinkin' coffee almost since I can remember but Daddy wouldn't let me have none. He said it wasn't good for growin' boys. For just a second I had a mad in me. I was thinkin', "Who the hell does he think he is, tellin' me what I can do?" I didn't think that long 'cause it come to me who the hell he was. It surprised me that I could be mad at my daddy even if it was only for a second. It scared me some. I didn't want to be mad at him. I wanted to love him. I didn't know then that you could do both.

Paco had been drinkin' coffee too, at least since Vox got him but he didn't ask for none. His mouth was so busy takin' care of that food Paco kept shovelin' in, it didn't have no time for talkin'. Damn, that boy could eat. Done me good seein' him do it though. I got to thinkin' on the first time I seen him at Vox's, all bare-ass naked and lookin' mostly starved. He deserved all the eatin' he wanted. Anyway, he needed to if he was gonna get over the malnutrition.

Paco was done with his plate and lookin' at mine like he was ready to fight me for what was left on there. Daddy seen that and said, "I want you to eat good, but you're going to make yourself sick, you keep eatin' so much at once."

Paco got that ornery grin. "That's fine with me. I been sick from not eatin' a whole lot of times. I'd like to try bein' sick from eatin' for a change." Daddy laughed and picked him up and throwd him kind of easy on the bed and went to ticklin' him. "You rascal, you!" They ended up huggin' each other.

We seen our fancy clothes hangin' on a hook on the wall. There was a piece of wire, bent just right to hold them shirts and coats and britches. Whoever thought that up sure had a good idea but I never seen one of them things before. That give me a question. Things was happenin' so fast, I wasn't thinkin' on my questions much lately but I reckon havin' a daddy and a brother didn't get me over wantin' to. I was almost a different boy. I had a different name. I had a whole lot different life and I was already gettin' a different way of thinkin' on myself but I was still one for questions. I got to thinkin' on how many other things like that bent wire my daddy called a hanger was there out there that I never heard of.

I reckon I was thinkin' when I should have been movin'. Daddy said, "Sam, I have a whole lot of windows on the Bent-Y you can stand and look out of. There isn't much to see out that one anyway. We have to get a move on us. Your cousins will be driving their mamas and daddies crazy being excited for your coming. They're expecting us to be there by supper time."

"How the hell do they know about us and what the hell's a cousin?" Paco finally didn't have nothin' in his mouth.

"Manuel told them to get your rooms ready. Manuel comes to Amarillo once a week to do Bent-Y business. He was here yesterday morning while you were still sleeping. He'll bring those suits when he comes next week. You won't be needing them before then."

"That takes care of how they know about us but it still doesn't tell me what the hell they are."

Seemed like Daddy couldn't get done laughin' at Paco. I was some the same way. The thing was, Paco wasn't always tryin' to be funny. It was just in him to say things that way. If he was tryin' to be funny all the time, I reckon it would get tiresome. Didn't make no difference all them bad things done to him. There was a joy in him and it come out in his talkin'.

"Your cousins are my brothers' children. There are six of them on the Bent-Y and five more in San Francisco. Except for Katy, you two are going to be the oldest at Pampa but my brother Sean in San Francisco has a girl that's fourteen and a boy that's twelve, just some older than you. Your San Francisco cousins don't know about you two yet, but I know that Bent-Y bunch. They'll all be like horseflies on a tail hair with their excitement for you to get there."

Paco checked again with Daddy to make sure his fancy clothes was gonna be brought to the Bent-Y and when we was walkin' out of that room, he looked real sad at them, almost like he was sayin' good-bye to them.

Wasn't no way he could stay sad long though. When we got to the front of that hotel, the bay and the buckskin was standin' there beside Daddy's big gray. They'd been curried and brushed. Their manes and tails had been trimmed and they'd been re-shod and their hooves trimmed and oiled. The biggest difference though was the tack. It wasn't them old cowboyin' saddles and bridles we got from that man at Claude. Them was brand new, fancy, shiny saddles and the bridles had fancy, silver lookin' things on the headstall.

Them saddle bags was new too. None of our found was in them bags and when I asked Daddy about that he said he give it to that fat señora that bathed us. He said she had all them ninos and her husband was mostly drunk all the time and she needed all the food she could get. Daddy said he didn't reckon we'd mind.

Hell, no, we didn't mind. I wasn't plannin' to eat too many more beans anyway. Them steaks was what I was fixin' to live on from now on.

I had to keep lookin' at them horses. They looked so fine and they knowed somethin' important was gonna happen. Reckon they'd been rode enough that they knowed that when a bed roll was put on them, they was goin' travelin'. They was stampin' their feet and throwin' their heads like they was sayin', "Get your ass in these saddles. We got places to go!"

I just kept lookin' while Daddy helped Paco into his saddle. What you say about somethin' like this. Paco looked down from that saddle and smiled at me and looked like he was thinkin', "Ain't I somebody!"

I didn't think I needed no help but I seen Daddy wanted to so I let him help me onto the buckskin. I couldn't see me but I think I was feelin' like Paco so I reckon I looked proud like him.

Our daddy sure looked fine on that gray. He's a big man, our daddy, and that red hair and that white hat and them big shoulders and them fine clothes and knowin' he was Seamus Flynn, I'll tell you, that was somethin' to see. Knowin' he was our daddy, I'll tell you, that was somethin' to feel.

We pointed our horses east and started out of town. Folks was tippin' their hats to us and howdyin' us and one lady said to our daddy, "Who is these fine lookin' boys, Shay?"

Paco didn't give Daddy no chance to answer. For the first time since I seen him, his chest looked bigger than his belly. "Seamus Flynn is our daddy."

The lady looked surprised and our daddy called to her, "There's no time to explain it now, Sarah. Talk to Mary Walton. She'll tell you all about it. With Mary knowing, I'm surprised you don't know already." He laughed. So did Sarah.

"You ain't tryin' to say that me and Mary would do such a thing as gossip now, are you Shay?"

"Lord, no, Miz Barton. You're just doing your civic duty by keeping folks informed."

I liked that feelin' folks had with our daddy. It was real easy and friendly like and there was always funnin' and laughin'. When I was Sam Martin, the folks I knowed wasn't that way with each other. They was mostly never trustin' nobody or they was plain out fightin' and if they was laughin', you knowed they was drunk. I had rode into Amarillo as Sam Martin, kind of thinkin' that way on folks. I was ridin' out as Sam Flynn, learnin' to think on folks like my daddy did. I rode into Amarillo not knowin' where the hell I was goin'. I was ridin' out knowin' I was goin' home.

We rode quiet for a long spell. Reckon we was all thinkin'. I knowed I was. I was thinkin' on all what had happened since my mama got shot. For the first time, when I thought about my mama, I felt a tiny hurt in my chest. I knowed more about her now. I knowed that she wasn't just mean. I knowed that most of what she was, she done to herself but when I got to thinkin' on what she could have been and what she was, I felt sad for her. I don't think I ever cried for nothin' about my mama. I never cried when she cussed me. I never cried when she was chasin' me around with that ax. I didn't even cry when she died.

I didn't boo hoo but I cried inside me when I knowed she had been a happy little girl and a beautiful young woman who could have been so much. I cried when I thought about her gettin' hold of somethin' she couldn't handle with that whiskey and I cried for how she must have felt when she knowed that it was beatin' her. I reckon I still didn't feel nothin' for the mama I knowed, but I cried for the mama my daddy told me she used to be.

I never did know what Paco was thinkin'. He was sittin' tall on that bay, lookin' straight ahead, ridin' some faster than Daddy and me like he was wantin' to get the hell away from what used to be for him. After while he seen that me and Daddy was some distance back so he reigned in that bay and waited.

I didn't know what Daddy was thinkin' either but I seen more than just a little water in his eyes. There was so much that every so often some run down his face. He was wipin' it off with his shirt sleeve. It questioned me some but not too much. I knowed already that my daddy was more than just them Seamus Flynn stories. My daddy wasn't just red-hair, a temper and a quick gun. My daddy had feelin's in him and while I didn't understand a growed, tough man like my daddy cryin', I didn't think bad on it. I just questioned on it but I didn't say nothin'.

When we caught up with Paco, Paco seen Daddy's tears too. Paco was real smart and I already told you he done a lot of thinkin' on things but he was mostly one for wantin' to know right now. He didn't think on Daddy's tears. He just plain out said, "You're cryin'. I thought cryin' was a baby thing to do."

"No, Paco," Daddy said, "Crying's a human thing to do. Maybe it's the most human thing to do."

But he wasn't doin' like I always heard that tough men did. "Daddy, folks is always sayin' that cryin' is for them ladies and younguns, not for any man, 'specially one like Seamus Flynn."

"Sam, I'm an emotional man. You've seen it with my temper. Maybe I cry quicker than some, but any man who knows who he is and isn't ashamed of who and what he is, isn't afraid to cry. Men who won't cry aren't tough. They know they're not and they're afraid that if they cry, other folks will know that too.

"They shut off a big, very important part of their life. They won't let themselves feel things because they know that some things that you feel just naturally lead to crying. To keep from crying, when they start to get those feelings they act like big-shots or they get mean so they won't have to show folks that they're human.

"Some folks, mostly men, I reckon, are so afraid they're nothing that they won't let anyone see who they really are. They won't let themselves feel anything and if they do, they hide it by pushing folks away."

I knowed exactly what he was talkin' about. I was thinkin', didn't my daddy come, would I have gone to actin' like a big-shot or bein' mean?

Our daddy went on tellin'. "I think you boys should know why I'm crying now. These are tears of joy, tears of relief and happiness. It has been very hard for me to watch my brothers' children grow up and not be able to watch my own son grow. It's been hard to see their happy family lives. I wanted what they had. It took me a long time to get over your mama leavin', Sam, and by the time I had settled down from fighting Indians and running off outlaws, I couldn't find a woman who took my fancy. I reckon I got too skittish. Most of the ladies I took a shine too, didn't really love me. They loved the idea of being married to Seamus Flynn or being married to my money. I could never tell if they loved me or just who I was or what I had.

"I had a lot. You boys saw that I have many friends in Amarillo. It's the same in Austin and Dallas and Houston and Santa Fe. I like folks and folks like me. I reckon I should have been happy but I didn't have Sam. I didn't have a family. I lost all those years of watching my son grow up, of being part of his growing up. I reckon that's reason enough to cry some, isn't it?

"I have my son now. I can be part of the rest of his growing up. And to make up for the part I lost, it looks like God has given me a happy little bundle of brown joy whose growing up I can be a part of too. I love you boys. I'm probably the happiest man in Texas right now. A man who wouldn't cry for that would have to be a dead man."

When he was done tellin', there was some more cryin' goin' on. Both me and Paco was at it. There's some happys too big for smilin' or laughin' or funnin'. Some happys is so big only cryin' takes care of them.

This wasn't no time for talkin'. This was a time for feelin'. Anyway, it come to me that I better hurry up and feel them things. I thought I was gonna bust open from lovin' my daddy. Reckon if somebody is all busted open, he's dead and when you're dead you can't feel nothin'. I was likin' that feelin' so good I didn't care if it busted me open but I wanted to hurry up and feel it before it did.

I reckon we all three just let them feelings have us for about a hour. By then it seemed right to do some talkin', and I had me a question that I couldn't think out by myself. "Daddy, is them judges and lawyers really mean to younguns like you was sayin' to Judge Walton?"

"Sam, it's impossible to say what really is. There is always just what folks think there is. Folks see things through their own feelings. I see the way you were made to live through my feelings. The way I see things, what I said to Judge Walton was right.

"The thing is, judges and lawyers see things through their feelings too. That's the problem. They think they're not being emotional. They think they're being intellectual. Emotional means feelings. Intellectual means thinking.

"You've seen that Judge Walton is like a daddy to me. He's probably the smartest and fairest man I know. But he's a man, a man with a lot of power. He can make mistakes. He needs to know how his mistakes affect people. I don't know if I was completely right in what I said to him, but he needed to hear it."

We rode quiet again for a while and then I asked my daddy, "What's it like at Pampa?"

"Well, Pampa's not much of a town. It's about like Goodnight but the Bent-Y is almost a town by itself. My two brothers who live there and I each have our own houses. We have the bunkhouse for the hands that aren't married and cabins for the married hands. There are several out-buildings - you know, barns, the smoke-house, the summer kitchen, some sheds, buildings like that. We also have the spread at McLean where Coburn works and some families live at the base camp of the different herds. We have more people living on the Bent-Y than live in Pampa. Oh, yes, we have the school building and the school younguns house."

"Am I gonna go to school? I ain't never had no schoolin' and even them real little ones are gonna be smarter than me." Looked like there wasn't no way that question could come out of Paco funny. You could tell he was worryin' about that.

"I'll tell you what, Paco. Sam and I will start teaching you reading and ciphering as soon as we get home. You're a real good thinker. By the time school starts, you'll be doin' fine. You learn quick and you have some memory. I can't understand how you still remember Spanish so well. Did Vox talk Spanish?"

"What's Spanish?"

"Mexican talk."

"No, Vox talked white man talk. Them Comencheros or bandits or whatever the hell they was, they talked Mexican talk and some of them Indians talk it so I talked it with them some."

I already told you that I was some surprised at how Paco could talk to anybody: Mexicans, Indians and white folks. It made me proud of him. "He can talk Indian too, Daddy. He's real smart. When he gets some schoolin', he'll be smarter than me. I can only talk white man talk."

Paco probably never thought nothin' of it before. He just done what needed doin' so he could get by with folks. But now that we was makin' a fuss over all the different talks he knowed, he seen that it was somethin' to be proud of.

"Weir didn't talk regular white man talk. I don't know what you call it but when you say good-bye, you say - auf weidersehen - and stuff like gunten morgen - them kind of words."

"Do you know German too?"

"Not much no more. I try to forget it like I try to forget that damn Weir."

Daddy got real serious. "Paco, do you remember anything about before the fire and you were taken by those bandits? Were there trees? Were there mountains? Was there a river near by? What did the people look like?"

"Sometimes I think I remember a old lady sittin' down, huggin' me like, and singin' in Mexican talk. Seems like she was singin' about a bird but them words and them sounds just won't come to me. I don't even know did it really happen or did I just make it up in my head.

"I don't remember no river or no mountains but I remember that it was real hot and had them funny trees that look like a man holdin' up his two arms."

"Saguaro cactus! That's a big help."

Paco started to look like the rememberin' was makin' him sad and Daddy said, "Don't worry about it, son. You don't have to try to tell me everything at once. If you think of something else, tell me, but don't worry about it."

Paco rode real quiet for a long time. Finally, he said, "What will happen if you find I got a mama and she turns out to be like Sam's mama. Do I have to go live with her?"

"Paco, if whoever took you were anything like the Comencheros were, your mama and daddy are dead. That's the way they were. They'd kill the men and sometimes sell the women to the Indians, or, they'd just kill them. No one could tell what they were going to do. After all this time, I doubt that your mama and daddy are living. But you heard the Judge say that we have to look.

"Please try not to worry about it. I learned something from what happened with Sam. I've got you. Anyone who tries to get you from me will have a real fight on their hands. You're my son, Paco. It's a daddy's job to protect his children and I'm going to do just that for you and Sam."

Well, what do you say about that? Paco looked at me and both of us didn't know if we should laugh or cry from bein' happy.

"Daddy, how come people say that Seamus Flynn is a bad gunfighter? You gotta be the best man in the world. I know Sam's your boy, but why did you take me too?

"You know, son, I haven't really thought about that much. When I first said you were a Bent-Y hand I didn't know if you had a mama and daddy or not. When Sam told me that if I didn't take you, he wasn't coming, I knew that you had nobody and it was just in my mind to take you too, at first I reckon, because you can't leave someone as young as you are without anybody.

"But then I got to know you some. I remembered how you stood up to Jigger. I remembered how Sam ran to you and held your head in his lap and cried for you. I saw you boys had a real feeling for each other. Maybe a daddy just naturally loves what his son loves. "I haven't had much practice at being a daddy so I'm not sure when it happened. I wasn't going to let you run loose with no one to look after you, and when I got to know you some, I knew I was lucky to have you. You have a sense of humor and...."

"What the hell is that? I didn't know I got that."

I told him. "It means you're funny. You can make people laugh and feel good."

"I got that?"

"Son, you saw how Grandma Walton and Cill and Little Jasper took to you. Well, I took to you like that too. Sam and I haven't talked about it, but when we do, I'm sure he'll tell me the same thing. You're a real easy boy to like and when folks get to know you some, you're a real easy boy to love."

Paco had water in his eyes. "You sure, Daddy? I know Vox was dumb but he was always tellin' me I was no good. Him and Jigger was always beatin' on me. They sure didn't take to me. They hated me."

"Jigger and Vox were the kind who hated everybody. I reckon that's another thing that makes me love you. You lived in all those hard times and you still have that joy in you. You just have to love somebody who is that strong inside. I love you and Sam's never told me that right out, but anyone looking even half close can see that he loves you too.

"It looks like you're stuck with us, boy. You're a Flynn. Nobody's getting you away from us. Folks like you are too hard to come by."

You seen that Paco couldn't think what Daddy was sayin'. He was hearin' things about him that was so different from what he had been hearin', I reckon he wasn't sure he was hearin' right. I already told you, he was some like me. He never let what nobody said or how they done him make him what he wasn't but even do you know them name-callin' folks is full of shit, you get damn tired of hearin' it. From all the things Daddy said to me the night he told me he was my daddy and from them things Grandma Walton and Cill said about me, I reckon you can't believe all the good things folks say about you either but it sure is a hell of a lot easier to listen to.

Paco rode quiet for a while again. Pretty soon he come up beside me and kind of whispered but you knowed he wanted Daddy to hear him. "Sam, you think that man's got his head - all them things he's been sayin' about me? I ain't sure I know the same Paco he knows."

Both Daddy and me knowed he was funnin' and you could see from his face he was real proud of our daddy for sayin' them things. But I knowed from how I was feelin' that a boy could think on them heavy love feelings just so long and then he had to go to playin'. I felt like playin' too. "Reckon he's got his head but them school teachers was tellin' me that when you get real high up, like in them mountains, there ain't hardly no air. I reckon when you got your head so high up in that thin air like our daddy does, your hair turns red and you get them brown spots on your face and you can't think clear on whore's bastards and greasers. We're just gonna have to see to it that he sleeps standin' up. Does he get his head down here in this good air, he's gonna think clear and you and me is gonna scare the hell out of him from havin' a whore's bastard and a goddam greaser livin' with them fancy folks."

"I think there's two boys somewhere in north Texas that need a good tickling."

Paco had that bay gallopin' right off. My buckskin was real patient with me. I think she knowed I didn't know what the hell I was doin' so even did I try, I couldn't get her to gallop. I reckon she knowed I'd fall off if she did. 'Course, my daddy caught me right off and went to ticklin' me and like him and Paco, we ended up huggin'.

I reckon my buckskin mare was takin' care of me by not gallopin' but then I wasn't tryin' real hard to make her either. I wanted my daddy to catch me. I wanted that playin', that ticklin' and that huggin'.

Paco come ridin' back real hard and went to actin' like he was tryin' to save me from my daddy. We was havin' fun, wrestling around but you knowed that Paco really come back for his turn at that ticklin' and huggin'. This havin' a daddy and a brother was heavy, makin'-you-cry lovin' but it was teasin', laughin', racin', ticklin', havin' fun too.

After the playin' we rode quiet again for a while. You could tell Daddy was thinkin' on somethin'. Pretty soon he said it. "Boys, I don't want to be callin' you on too many things right off but you need to know that names like whore's bastard and greaser make me feel real uncomfortable. I know you were funning, Sam, but I wish you'd learn to fun without using those names. I've heard them used in real mean ways on folks I thought real high on and it angers me. I've heard them used on you two. I was ready to fight. Those names are mostly for hurting folks. I don't like to hear them put on my boys even when you're funning."

I already told you them names didn't mean nothin' to me and you could tell they didn't mean nothin' to Paco neither. Callin' me a whore's bastard didn't make me one. But Daddy's thinkin' on them names was givin' me that feelin' again.

Ever since it happened, I couldn't think why Seamus Flynn turned his back and walked away from Clayhurst. When you was seein' it happen, you knowed it wasn't cause my daddy was scared. My daddy wasn't just one of them Seamus Flynn stories, I knowed that, but I couldn't think why he done that. I asked him. "Daddy, you're the fastest gun in Texas. Why didn't you throw down on Clayhurst?"

"I reckon I'll have to talk to you boys about the Seamus Flynn you heard about sooner or later. It might as well be now.

"My body always worked real good for me. I could run faster, throw harder and more straight, wrestle better - almost everything younguns do when they're playin', I was the best at. When you're young you can get to thinking too proud on yourself when things come that easy for you. My daddy saw that in me and he took a lot of time teaching me that what I could do was a gift from God. He taught me that I couldn't be any more proud of what God gave me than anyone else. My daddy said that God made us all in His image. We all are the image of God so we can all be proud of what we are. None of us is all of God but if we're all made in His image, all of us are some of Him.

"Folks put more stock in some parts of God than others, I reckon. The things I could do, folks were real proud of. It's hard for a boy to be so good at all the things folks are proud of and keep his head. I don't know what I'd have been if I didn't have my daddy to help me keep mine.

"When I got older and when we came to Texas, the thing that made me good at games when I was a youngun, made me good at fighting and with a gun. They call it coordination.

"When we came here, this was wild country. There was no law here yet. We had to be our own law. Indians and outlaws tried to take what was ours. I could do the things needed to stop them. I did them.

"I was very fast with a gun when that was what made you a man in folks' eyes here in this part of Texas. I killed some men who were trying to kill me. Stories got told. When those same stories were re-told, they got bigger and it just kept going like that. Most of the things you heard never happened.

"I've become a legend, boys. Your daddy's a legend. Makes me laugh when I think about it. But, like I told Sam, those stories are good for me. Outlaws don't bother us anymore, the Indians are gone and young rowdies who think they're fast with a gun don't come looking for me. I hear even the Indians have their Seamus Flynn stories."

Paco said, "Them Indians I know say if a Indian shoots a bullet at you, it turns to water. If they shoot an arrow, it turns around and kills them. From them Indians, I was scared of Seamus Flynn. That Seamus Flynn in them stories and my daddy ain't the same Seamus Flynn."

Daddy went back to tellin'. "I did what I had to do. I wonder sometime now, if there wasn't another way but I can't change what has happened. From the stories, you know that other folks took pride in what I did. I never did. How can a man take pride in something that just was. My coordination was a gift from God. Only a fool would take credit for what God gave him.

"Boys, I reckon I could kill any man in Texas in a fair fight. Doing it just because I could wouldn't make me a man. I'm proud of some things. I'm proud of the men who called me out who I didn't kill. I'm proud that my daddy taught me that controlling God's gift to you was what made you a man, not just having it. Do you think you understand what I'm telling you? If there's anything my daddy taught me that I want my boys to learn, it's this."

I understood most of it but one thing still questioned me. "Daddy, if you're dead you ain't got no more gift. Clayhurst could have killed you when you turned your back on him. If God gives you a gift, don't you got to protect it?"

"That's a hard question, Sam, and is probably the reason I made that mistake with Clayhurst. It's very hard to tell when you're protecting yourself, protecting your gift as you put it, and when you're just doing something because you can. I knew Clayhurst wanted to make me kill him. I knew I could and it wouldn't have proved anything except that he'd finally won. I'm human, Sam. I'm not sure what would have been the right thing to do. I made a decision. It was the wrong one. I'm very fortunate that my friends were there."

"What's fortunate?" Paco wanted to know.

"Lucky."

"Reckon me and Sam was the lucky ones. We still got us a daddy."

"Daddy," I said, "I get sense from a whole lot of what you just said but on some of it, no sense comes to me."

"Sam, I wish I could make the whole world make sense for you. I wish I could make it make sense for me. There just isn't a real good answer for some things. I can teach you boys some things. You can learn other things from school and from other folks. But there are a lot of things in this world that don't have an answer like a ciphering problem does. For some things, you have to take all the things I teach you, all the things you learn from other folks and, I reckon, how you think on God. You have to use all those things to help you think out the answer."

I was wishin' he wouldn't talk about God. "Daddy, do I have to think on God? From what that damn preacher man told me about Him, I don't reckon I hold much with Him. He scares the hell out of me."

Daddy was mad again. "You two have sure run across some people. I hope that someday both you and Paco will understand that neither Vox nor that preacher knew much about God. I reckon there is nothing that gets me more riled than folks who try to get their own way by using God to scare folks. No, Sam, you don't have to think on God. But I do hope that someday you will want to."

I was glad my daddy said we didn't have to get sense out of all of that. That was some more of that head-bustin' thinkin' and I wasn't wantin' none of that right now. I loved them questions, but, damn, my daddy knowed how to make them a whole lot bigger than I wanted them to be. But I knowed he was teachin' on me and Paco and I knowed we'd have him to help us make them questions smaller for us as we growed.

But, I learned something about my daddy from that. I learned to be damn careful what kind of question I asked him. Did you ask him a question he could get all mad about or that he felt strong about, you was gonna learn a hell of a lot more about it than you wanted to know and half of what you learned didn't mean nothin' 'cause the words he was usin' might just as well been Chinaman talk for all the sense they was given me. Even though I got tired of listenin' to his thinkin' on that question I asked him, I still was lovin' the hell out of him for being so mad at how me and Paco was done.

Paco said, "Daddy, when I got tired of listenin' to Vox, I used to tell him that folks had just so many words in them and when they used them all up, they was gonna die. When I told him that he wouldn't say nothin' for maybe two, three days. But I been sayin' that so much I ain't sure if somebody told me that or if I just made it up. Is there anything to that?"

Daddy laughed. "No Paco, I reckon you just made that up."

"Well, I got to tell you, I'm damn glad for that. If there was any truth to it, you'd be fallin' off that horse before we top that little rise up there."

Daddy acted like he was comin' for Paco. Paco kicked that bay into a gallop and Daddy went to chasin' him. They was laughin' and when Daddy caught him he pulled him off that bay and went to ticklin' him. Paco's gigglin' put the giggles on me. Like before when Daddy went to ticklin' Paco, they ended up huggin'.

Most of the ticklin' and huggin' was done by the time I got there. I had that buckskin gallopin' but I was spending my time holdin' on, not guidin' and that buckskin was near about to Kansas before I got her turned around.

Some things don't change, I reckon, when you get a brother and a daddy and a different name and a whole new way of livin'. I knowed that because it was close to noonin' and I was hot and I was hungry and I was havin' to piss. I was all them things before I got this new way of livin'. When we stopped for the pissin', Daddy asked did we need to rest. We didn't even think on it. We was too anxious to see the Bent-Y and them cousins. We told Daddy we wanted to keep on ridin'. He give us some jerky he saved out of our found and we chewed on that but we kept goin' toward that Bent-Y.

Paco's face looked a whole lot better today. That greenish-black around his eyes was beginnin' to drain away and the swole was all gone from them. That cut Jigger give me didn't hurt no more but it itched somethin' awful. Paco said his little cuts was itchin' too. Daddy said that was 'cause they was healin' good. I asked Paco was he glad that that doctor poured that burny stuff in them cuts now that they was healin' good and no festerin'.

He said, "Reckon so but if he done it again, I'd cuss him again."

Daddy asked was Paco's belly hurtin' at all. He was still some worried about that damn Jigger kickin' Paco. Paco said, "The only thing my belly's been tellin' me all mornin' is that it needs some steak and buttermilk in it. Could use some taders and biscuits too. It's sayin' it's a fancy belly now and don't want no more damn beans. It's puttin' up with this jerky but it don't like it one damn bit."

Daddy said, "Well tell your belly to just make do until we get home. Ho Boy should have us a fine supper ready."

'Course, we wanted to know who was Ho Boy. Turned out he was a Chinaman and he was Uncle Kevin's cook and that made us need to know what a uncle was. I loved them questions but I was gettin' afraid to ask none. You had to ask five more to know what the hell the answer to the first one meant.

The country was beginnin' to look some different. Around Goodnight was real flat but we was gettin' into some low hills and Daddy said there was some washes and arroyos. Daddy was tellin' us that some of them arroyos can get deep from the water cuttin' them out and cattle like to hide in them. He said it can be some work, come round-up time, findin' them all.

It come to me that I ain't heard nothin' from Paco for a while. He was ridin' some behind us and when I looked back, I seen his chin lyin' on his chest. I watched him some and it come to me that he was sleepin'. I said real soft to Daddy, "Look at Paco. He's sleepin' while he's ridin' that horse. Do you reckon he'll fall off?"

"I thought you boys might need some rest. You've been through a lot. I reckon we better stop."

I told Daddy he didn't need to stop for me. I was fine but I didn't want Paco fallin' off that horse. He was through a hell of a lot more than me. He didn't need no more hurts.

Daddy said, "Paco learned to ride a horse from Indians. I know those Comanches he lived near. Some of them work for us during spring and fall round-up. They're good horsemen. He's probably been asleep on a horse before. He'll be all right.

"In the old days, Indians would take very long journeys. They made an art out of sleeping on a horse. I reckon Paco's friends have been taught those old time Indian skills. Paco can probably do some things on a horse that I can't do."

"Daddy, you sure he'll get all right from his skinny? Makes me sad, just lookin' at his arms. He gets tired real quick and I don't know nothin' about the malnutrition but just that word don't sound too good."

"Sam, malnutrition is just a big word for starving. Folks starve when they don't have enough food. They stop starving when they get enough. You've seen him eat. I reckon he's gettin' enough. You'll be surprised how quick he fills out."

"I sure as hell hope so."

Beside that night when my daddy was tellin' me he was my daddy, this was the first time it was just him and me talkin'. It never come to me that Paco shouldn't have some of Daddy but I liked havin' him to myself some. Paco ain't had that chance yet but when he gets it, reckon he'll like it too.

Daddy rode over close to me and pushed my hat back and rubbed my hair. He done that a lot and I knowed what it meant so I liked it real good. It was one of his ways of sayin' that he loved me. We didn't say nothin' for a long time. We didn't need to. I was likin' just havin' him by me.

We was ridin' quiet so long, when he said somethin', it made me jump. "Sam, I need to tell you that I'm real proud of you the way you're so willing to share me with Paco. I had to think some about taking him because you never had a daddy and I thought you'd be jealous. You're my son and you're who I came for. I would have found it hard to go off and leave Paco but I would have if I'd seen you wanted me to.

"Daddy, I know what you're tellin' me. You're kind of sayin' that you love me more than Paco. But I don't want you to. When I found him, I didn't know what I was gonna do. I reckon I was some scared. It was like you said. I took to him right off. I seen I needed him and he seen he needed me. Not knowin' what I was gonna do wasn't so scary when I had Paco to not know with. He got to be part of me before I knowed it. Since he was part of me, him havin' part of you seemed right, I reckon."

Daddy rubbed my hair again. While he was doin' that he looked good at my cut. "That's looking real good."

We rode quiet for a spell, both of us keepin' an eye on Paco. After while Daddy said, "Sam, do you want me to show you some things that will make riding that horse a little easier for you?"

I already told you, I loved that man. But when he was teachin' me stuff, I reckon I loved him more. I already seen me and him was alike on them questions. You could tell from how long he talked on things, he done a lot of thinkin' on them questions. Lord, he had to to get them long answers. But I loved learnin' things and I loved it even better when my daddy was teachin' me.

I never knowed it, but you do most of your ridin' with your feet. The only time you're really sittin' on the horse is when she's walkin'. If you put your weight on your feet and bend your knees, your legs work like a spring. Daddy showed me how to feel how the horse was movin' and move with it. He showed me that you use your feet and legs to keep from fallin' off more than your hands.

My buckskin mare seemed like she was teachin' me too. Looked like she knowed just how I needed her to move. Daddy would tell me to trot that horse and he showed me how not to bounce around and hurt any of them parts on you. I could already stay on pretty good in a gallop 'cause it's some like ridin' a rockin' chair. That mare didn't go no faster than I could manage and seemed like she knowed when I wasn't doin' good and slowed down. I ain't sure about this, but seemed like if she felt me fallin' off, she moved the way I was fallin' to help keep me on. I was likin' that horse real good.

Daddy kept walkin' his horse so he could keep a eye on Paco and not to get too far ahead of him but he'd have me run that horse some ahead and then run her back. Just from him tellin' me, I got some good but I got to do a lot more ridin' before I get as good as Paco or my daddy. I always was one to want to do good at things but never like now. I never had nobody before who cared how I done. When I done somethin' he told me good, my daddy was real proud of me and if I didn't get the idea of somethin' he was tellin' me, he was real gentle in thinkin' of another way to tell me how to do it. It come to me that there was more goin' on between me and my daddy than just him teachin' me how to ride a horse good. I ain't sure what it was but I was likin' it real good.

Both me and Daddy fell back so we had Paco ridin' between us. I was hopin' he'd wake up so I could show him what Daddy was teachin' me. I knowed he'd be proud to see what I learned. I couldn't think how he could be sleepin' and still holdin' on to them reins. I asked Daddy.

"I've fallen asleep while I was riding. You're only about half asleep. There's still a part of you that knows you're on a horse. I can't really explain it. I just know it works."

On a long ride like that you can't think of nothin' to talk about all the time. There's times you talk and times you ride quiet. 'Course, Paco was sleepin' but me and Daddy was ridin' quiet; but I was thinkin' on a question. The way things was since I come to have my daddy, I reckon it was a dumb question but I couldn't get it out of my head. Since I knowed Seamus Flynn was my daddy, everyone I come across done me real good. That Mr. Brown done me good even after I puked on his rug. Why was this dumb question in my head? I couldn't get it out so I asked Daddy, "Daddy, do them cousins know about my mama? Are they gonna call me a whore's bastard and is their mamas gonna run me off from playin' with them?"

"Sam, that life's behind you. Your cousins are real anxious to meet you. I reckon some of the older ones know about your mama but there won't be any name-calling or running you off. That's just not the way any of the folks on the Bent-Y do things. You may fuss with your cousins or some of those other younguns on the Bent-Y now and then. You may not believe it now, you being so caring and loving about Paco, but you'll even fuss some with him. That's the way brothers are but your days of being name-called and run off are over. I can promise you that."

"You got other younguns on the Bent-Y?"

"It takes a lot of folks to run a big spread like the Bent-Y. Some of our men have been with us since I was a sprout. Those men get married, you know. Pablo, I reckon, has the most younguns. I can never remember how many. Two of the herd bosses live on the Bent-Y. They both have children. One of them has some children as old as I am and he has one boy about your age. You'll have lots of friends. That's your home, Sam. Nobody will be running you off.

"The thing you have to remember is that you're a Flynn. Folks here about respect the Flynns and we Flynns hold that respect mighty high. But to get respect, you have to act respectably. Being a Flynn has its advantages, Sam, but it has its responsibilities too. I love you and I want you to have the advantages and I know you're up to the responsibilities."

It made me feel good, my daddy talkin' to me that way. He cared enough about me to care how I done. It made me feel good that he thought I could act respectful. It made me want to.

I didn't think Paco was ever gonna wake up. We was startin' to see cows with the Bent-Y brand. Daddy said, "We're on Bent-Y range now. This is your home, son, but the buildings are some distance off yet."

We rode quiet. I was tryin' to think what them cousins would be like. I was tryin' to think if havin' all them people there would spoil things. I liked this feelin' of just me and Paco and Daddy.

I didn't know Paco had waked up but I heard him askin' Daddy, "Daddy, do I do somethin' bad, you gonna beat me?"

Daddy acted surprised at the question. "What makes you ask a question like that?"

"I seen that temper you got. Just wonderin'."

"Well, there will be no beatings. I reckon if you do something real bad, I might have to whip you some but there's a big difference between a beating and a whipping. My daddy thought there were better ways to help a boy learn when he made a mistake. I reckon I do too. The only time I ever got whipped was when I just flat out disobeyed my daddy. If I ask you to do something or not to do something, I'll have a good reason for it and I'll expect you to do what I ask. If you spite me, I reckon there's a good chance you might get whipped.

"Don't worry about my temper. I get mad right enough but I've learned to save my mad for folks who need it. No boy your age needs it."

"Vox said that it come from that big black book he had that if you don't beat a youngun, you gonna ruin him. It come to me that if you think like that, you're big enough to beat the shit out of somebody and right back into them."

"Paco, I already told you that Vox knew a whole lot of things that just aren't true. That black book you're talking about is called a Bible. It talks a whole lot more about loving folks than it does about beating them. The Bible tells me that you can teach a boy a whole lot more by loving him than you can by beating him and I love you. If you have to think about those things, think about that.

"You were sleeping. How are you feeling?"

"I'm feelin' fine, I reckon, but I'll be glad to get somethin' in my belly besides jerky and to get my ass somewheres beside this saddle. I ain't as wore out as yesterday but I'm thinkin' awful hard on them soft beds."

I funned on him a little. "You ain't tellin' me you got a sore ass, are you?"

"My ass ain't sore. It just wants to be somewheres else."

"Well, even did Daddy show me some better ways of ridin', my ass is sore. How much farther we got to go?"

"It's about ten miles yet. If you boys are too tired or too sore, I can ride on ahead and bring back a buckboard. Do you see those trees over yonder? There's a creek there you can wait by."

Paco seemed almost insulted. "I ain't waitin' by no creek and I ain't ridin' no buckboard. When them cousins first see me, I'm gonna be sittin' this bay, ridin' proud beside my daddy and my brother."

"Me too!" I added.

We rode quiet for a while again. I reckon we was all gettin' tired, even Daddy. I was tryin' to show Paco the things Daddy taught me but he wasn't keepin' up. I said, "What's the matter Paco, that bay gettin' tired?"

He didn't say nothin'. He just went to cryin'. I don't mean water in your eyes cryin'. I mean water runnin' down your face, jerkin' and sobbin' cryin'. Both Daddy and me rode back real fast to see what's wrong. It come to me that Paco didn't cry when Jigger was beatin' on him. He told me he hardly never done that. I had them real bad scares that somethin' finally give way in his insides. He must be hurtin' real bad to cry like that.

Our daddy even looked scared. "What's wrong, Son. Are you hurting?"

"I ain't hurt. I'm scared."

Daddy looked puzzled. "What are you afraid of, Son?"

"Scared them cousins is gonna call me greaser. Scared I don't remember them manners and do somethin' dumb like I done at Grandma Walton's. Scared that after you done me so good, I can't do good by you. Scared of bein' your son. Scared that when you get to know me real good, you gonna run me off and mostly I'm scared of not havin' you. I ain't scared of not havin' no daddy. I'm scared of not havin' you."

Daddy didn't say nothin' to Paco but he asked me to take the reins of that bay. He picked Paco off that horse and set him kind of sidesaddle in front of him on that gray. He hugged Paco real close and Paco done that meltin' right into Daddy thing he does.

I knowed Paco was still cryin' real hard 'cause I seen him jerk each time he sobbed. I let them go on ahead so they could be by theirselfs. I was worried about Paco but I knowed that what they was sayin' was between them. I stayed back so I could see them and see if Paco was gettin' over his scare.

For a long time it didn't look like he was. His body kept jerkin' with them boo hoos but Daddy kept holdin' him real close and talkin' soft in his ear.

Pretty soon my worryin' let up some. Paco was startin' to stop jerkin'. He was just doin' it every so often like you do when you ain't really cryin' no more but your belly don't know it yet 'cause you was cryin' so hard. Daddy give him a kiss on the forehead and Paco reached around and hugged him.

Now I got water in my eyes. It hurt me in my chest thinkin' about Paco havin' that bad scare. I reckon his scare made sense when you think on all that was done to him but him havin' to have it still hurt me in my chest.

I got to thinkin' on them cousins. They had folks who loved them and done them good since they was born. Why is it that some folks is like that and some folks is like me and Paco? Why is it that some folks start out like me and Paco and never find nobody to love them like our daddy loves us?

That ain't fair. Folks, especially younguns, should have somebody to love them and take care of them. I got to thinkin', "I'm lucky. I got Daddy and he says I'm gonna have a lot of things. I'm always gonna appreciate what I got and try to help them what ain't got." I didn't know how I was gonna do it but I reckoned I'd figure out some kind of way.

It was still day but you could see the moon and some stars in the sky. It was gonna be dark soon. I was gonna be mad if it was gonna be too dark for me to see them houses good the first time I come to them. Daddy was still carryin' Paco with him on that gray but now they was talkin' louder and laughin' some. Paco was still jerkin' some from that hard cryin' but you could tell that whatever Daddy said to him, stopped his scare. What do you say about a daddy like that? He just started bein' our daddy two days ago and already he knows how to stop Paco from bein' scared. He was Seamus Flynn but it was more important to me and I knowed it was to Paco too, that he loved us. He could have been someone nobody ever heard of; the way he loved us, he'd still be the best daddy in the world.

We topped a little rise and there was them houses. What do you say about a sight like that? They looked like castles. Them three houses and all them cabins and that bunkhouse and them barns and corrals and them sheds and the cook shack and that school house - - take your breathin' from you.

I pulled up the buckskin and just looked. I was so full of lookin' that Paco had to ask three times, he told me. Finally he said, "Are you gonna give me that damn bay or do I have to take Daddy's gun and shoot you to get him from you? I told you I was gonna be ridin' proud on that bay when them cousins first see me."

Paco funnin' like that made me know he was all over the scares. That made me feel good but I still could hardly believe what I was seein'. "What you say about that, Paco? It looks like king livin' to me."

"I say, be it king livin' or hide hunter livin' like I done with Vox, don't make no difference as long as we got a daddy who loves us like our daddy does."

I was still lookin' at them Bent-Y buildings but I knowed what Paco was sayin' was right. I told him, "You're right, Paco but we got them both: king livin' and our daddy. Now, what do you say about that?"

"Ain't nothin' to say." Water started runnin' down his face again. I knowed he didn't want them cousins seein' him doin' that so I tried funnin' him.

"You better not piss for a month as much water as you been losin' through them eyes lately. You'll be as dry as a year old chunk of rawhide."

It worked. He laughed and said, "I reckon you're right but this chunk of rawhide has got some cousins to see. See can that buckskin beat this bay to them cousins."

We started to run them horses. I was keepin' up real good. You could see them cousins all standin' under a big gate that had a funny lookin', all crooked Y right on the top. You could see them bigger folks comin' out of them two houses to the north. Nobody was comin' out of the house on the south so I figured that was ours.

We got there and them two men picked me and Paco off them saddles like we was feathers. They was big like our daddy and just like you could tell by lookin' that I was his son, you could tell they was his brothers. When they put us down, them ladies went to huggin' on us and kissin' on us and while I knowed they liked us real good, I figured I had about enough huggin' and kissin'. Seemed like them ladies knowed it too.

They stopped their huggin' and kissin' but them cousins was a yellin', all tryin' to tell us their names at once. About the time I was thinkin' I was gonna go crazy from all the huggin' and folks likin' on me and Paco, our daddy come up and said real loud, "Hold on there! These boys are going to be here from now on. There's no need to hug them and talk them to death the first minute they're here.

"I want you all to know that you're looking at the proudest man in Texas. These are my sons. I reckon you know which one is Sam and which one is Paco."

Then come the hard part. He told us which one was his brother Kevin and which one was Brian. There was Kevin's wife, Lydia and Brian's wife, Jenny. And them cousins:- there was Katy and Maureen and Rosie and Danny and Seamus and that baby, Brian. When our daddy got done tellin', me and Paco still wasn't sure who was whose mama and daddy and who was whose brother and sister. I liked them cousins and them aunts and uncles real good but I was glad when we went into our house and they went into theirs. We didn't even have to put our horses away. Them uncles took care of that for us.